Becoming Friends with Doubt

doubt |dout|

noun

a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction : some doubt has been cast upon the authenticity of this account | they had doubts that they would ever win. 

verb

1 [ trans. ] feel uncertain about : I doubt my ability to do the job.

• question the truth or fact of (something) : who can doubt the value of these services? | [with clause ] I doubt if anyone slept that night.

• disbelieve (a person or their word) : I have no reason to doubt him.

• [ intrans. ] feel uncertain, esp. about one's religious beliefs.

2 [with clause ] archaic fear; be afraid of : I doubt not your contradictions.

"It takes confidence to watch doubt without thinking we have to do something about it, trusting its natural impermanence to carry it away as long as we don't pull back from it or compulsively react.  It is important to become familiar with doubt sufficiently to be able to turn toward it instead of away from it."  - Stephen Levine

I had a conversation with our finance person here at the Abbey yesterday morning, and she highlighted the purpose of our practice.  The practice is to sit with the fire, the pain, the joy, the passion, the anger, the turmoil, the beauty...all of it, to stay with it and accept it as it is.  The practice is not to transform our lives into bliss or perfection.  There is absolutely no guarantee that once you become a devout meditator that your life changes to being much easier and happier, that all things begin to work out in your favor because you are "doing the right thing" by sitting on your cushion.

The finance person shared a story of a Zen practitioner in the 1940's who was a highly colorful individual that was gay and enjoyed cross-dressing.  During his younger years, he was highly promiscuous and led a life of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, perhaps you could say. The zendo that he joined was initially offended by his presence, but he chose to stick around despite their disapproval.  As time passed, he became very established in the Zendo and supported the community greatly.  This man had stepped into a life of renunciation and moved away from his past life of promiscuity and unsafe sexual practices.  I do not remember the entire story, but what I remember is that later in his life he engaged in sexual activity with another person.  During this sexual encounter, he contracted HIV that developed in full-blown AIDS.  This man died because of the AIDS virus.

There are no promises that we are protected from pain and suffering.  There are no promises that love is waiting for us and that our future holds satisfaction.  In fact, it can hold so much pain and suffering, emptiness.  Knowing this, doubt can creep in.  Doubt for me, in this situation, is a feeling of fear in the path, the process.  I feel a pain, emptiness, an aching sensation in my heart in this moment, as I think these things.

There is a longing to have happiness, this longing is an old familiar pattern.  Something learned from childhood movies of the princess getting the prince.  My karmic propensities and usual thought patterns revolve around love and partnership.  Even now, a person in my life who I have some attraction to is not fully attracted to me.  Mostly, I am okay with this discomfort and lack of mutual connection.  I can reason and be logical about the situation, but even so, a piece of my human heart has a longing for connection.  My habitual response, that I am seeing brought over from my previous relationship, is trying to magnetize and do kind things for this person to draw them.  A fundamental doubt that I will find love creeps in and I feel sadness and disappointment.

Yes, there is a silver lining or something like an underlying current that runs beneath the surface where I do not doubt.  Thanks to the great teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoches, I am learning to release doubt and believe in the basic goodness, buddha nature, of myself and all beings.  When I remember this, no matter what happens, I trust that it will all be okay, granted that my view remains as high as the sky and I do not limit myself by my egotistical needs.

In Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery, Trungpa Rinpoches devotes a chapter to Overcoming Doubt.  The doubt he speaks of is a fundamental doubt in our own goodness.  I don't doubt my own goodness, but on this particular day, I am feeling the empty space of not having the love of a partner.  I am also feeling my wanting of having that.  I am seeing that life isn't dreamy that we don't get partnership.  I have a fear, which ties into doubting, that I will feel sad and suffer because I lack this kind of love and that I will never get it.

In this last year of my life, how does it feel to think that it might not happen?  Well, if I am genuine with my feelings right now, I feel sadness about it.  I don't feel good about it, and I don't want to die that way.  I don't think this view is fixed, but it sure aches and hurst at this moment.  So, I attempt to be with the sadness of the empty feeling.  I listen to music and I knit...to nurture myself mindfully through this experience.  Perhaps with each knit and pearl, I offer love to others who are in need.  I am not alone in this feeling sadness at the lack of someone loving me.  I guess I have so much sweetness to give that I'd like to have it in return.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO2o98Zpzg8

During this place of feeling the sadness and softness of the human heart, I received an email from a dear friend, Gina Ryan, that contained the link above.  It's a song about gratefulness...impeccable timing and a little ray of sunlight brightened my heart.  Thanks for the love, Gina!