What's the Deal with the PMS business?

hide ¹ |hīd|

verb ( past hid |hid|; past part. hidden |ˈhidn|) [ trans. ]

put or keep out of sight; conceal from the view or notice of others : he hid the money in the house | the sacred relic had been hidden away in a sealed cavern.

• (of a thing) prevent (someone or something) from being seen : clouds hid the moon.

• keep secret or unknown : Hal could hardly hide his dislike.

Hormones and Neurotransmitters

Researchers believe that the following neurotransmitters are affected by estrogen and/or progesterone during the menstrual cycle and may lead to some of the symptoms of PMS:

• Serotonin regulates mood and sleep patterns and creates feelings of well-being. Reduced levels of estrogen during the luteal phase may be linked to a drop in serotonin. Lower serotonin levels are associated with depression, irritability, anger and carbohydrate cravings, all of which are symptoms of PMS.
• Gamma-aminobutyric acid (GABA) is a neurotransmitter associated with anxiety and depression. Progesterone may increase the activity of this neurotransmitter.
• Endorphins increase feelings of pleasure and reduce the intensity of pain. Both estrogen and progesterone may affect endorphin levels.
• Norepinephrine and epinephrine are neurotransmitters involved in the body's stress response. Estrogen may affect the levels of these neurotransmitters, which can influence blood pressure and heart rate as well as mood.

Whether symptoms are influenced by increased or decreased levels of estrogen and progesterone is a matter of some debate. Studies routinely produce conflicting results. Some researchers believe that the key to PMS symptoms lies in the balance between these two hormones during the menstrual cycle.

Here's the chemical breakdown of what is happening inside my body.  Again, there is a lens that I view the world with that is so irritable.  I feel tired, and everything provokes irritation. This is all because of a shift in my chemical make-up?

I want to curl up and stay away from the world.  Yet, today does not allow that.   Even writing this post there is a complete dissonance.  The format is off, the colors, the text...all of it.

I am at odds with the universe today.

The day has progressed, and I have encountered much joy.  Yes, there was dissonance throughout the day, but there was also a harmony that couldn't be denied.  Clarity arose in showing that there are some people who I have a very intense energy with.  At times, the energy is passion filled and totally connected.  Other times, it feels quite uncomfortable and moody.  This person is a fire/earth individual and I am a water/air.  Together our fire and air creates a lot of energy, and depending on the flavor of the energy it is pleasing or highly unpleasing.  Lots of power there...how to harness it wisely.  

Another resident shed some light on the shedding of the uterine lining.  It marks the shedding of the possibility of life...perhaps you could say its a form of death.  The dying of cells that were half of what they could have been...a human life.  I notice at this time a keen awareness of wanting connection.  Is this connection a wanting of being with a partner, or is the wanting of bringing a life into the world.  Has my habitual way of relating to these feelings made it so that I always think it is a longing of a partner when in fact my heart yearns for life that my physiology wants to create.  Good things to ponder....the death of what could have been a life.  

The Red Tent

premenstrual syndrome (abbr.: PMS)

noun

any of a complex of symptoms (including emotional tension and fluid retention) experienced by some women in the days immediately before menstruation.

Don't touch me
Don't look at me in a funny way
Don't take too long to respond to a question
Don't walk slowly in front of me
Don't even breathe if you can help it
Don't talk too much
Don't laugh at my frustration to try and ease the mood
Just buy me some chocolate
Sit 5 feet away
And shut the hell up

-kelly lutz

Death and the menstrual cycle.  Today was a bit challenging to think about dying.  Fuck death, fuck everything, forget it all.  I don't want to sit next to you.  I don't want to sit next to myself.  Just let me knit quietly in my room with some music playing.  I would like to divulge in complete distraction until the moment she arrives.  Do I feel okay about this perspective? Yes, I do.

I contemplated it for several hours on the cushion today.  I showed up for it all today.  Yeah, give me a fucking award.  What do I have to show for it?  Not sure exactly, but something felt good in showing up with the grouch and not freaking out by running out of the shrine room and screaming.  PMS is such an interesting flavor and experience.  Tears abound last night, and today it's full of aggression.  

I don't have anything fancy to write...so just fuck off. please. and thank you.

Inspirational Quotes by Lao Tzu

At the center of your being you have the answer; you know who you are and you know what you want.

If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.
Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them – that only creates sorrow.
Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.

Rejoice in the way things are.When you realize there is nothing lacking, the whole world belongs to you.

Being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage.

Kindness in words creates confidence.
Kindness in thinking creates profoundness.
Kindness in giving creates love.

Respond intelligently even to unintelligent treatment.

The words of truth are always paradoxical.
Truthful words are not beautiful; beautiful words are not truthful.
Good words are not persuasive; persuasive words are not good.

Nature does not hurry, yet everything is accomplished. 

Becoming Friends with Doubt

doubt |dout|

noun

a feeling of uncertainty or lack of conviction : some doubt has been cast upon the authenticity of this account | they had doubts that they would ever win. 

verb

1 [ trans. ] feel uncertain about : I doubt my ability to do the job.

• question the truth or fact of (something) : who can doubt the value of these services? | [with clause ] I doubt if anyone slept that night.

• disbelieve (a person or their word) : I have no reason to doubt him.

• [ intrans. ] feel uncertain, esp. about one's religious beliefs.

2 [with clause ] archaic fear; be afraid of : I doubt not your contradictions.

"It takes confidence to watch doubt without thinking we have to do something about it, trusting its natural impermanence to carry it away as long as we don't pull back from it or compulsively react.  It is important to become familiar with doubt sufficiently to be able to turn toward it instead of away from it."  - Stephen Levine

I had a conversation with our finance person here at the Abbey yesterday morning, and she highlighted the purpose of our practice.  The practice is to sit with the fire, the pain, the joy, the passion, the anger, the turmoil, the beauty...all of it, to stay with it and accept it as it is.  The practice is not to transform our lives into bliss or perfection.  There is absolutely no guarantee that once you become a devout meditator that your life changes to being much easier and happier, that all things begin to work out in your favor because you are "doing the right thing" by sitting on your cushion.

The finance person shared a story of a Zen practitioner in the 1940's who was a highly colorful individual that was gay and enjoyed cross-dressing.  During his younger years, he was highly promiscuous and led a life of sex, drugs, and rock and roll, perhaps you could say. The zendo that he joined was initially offended by his presence, but he chose to stick around despite their disapproval.  As time passed, he became very established in the Zendo and supported the community greatly.  This man had stepped into a life of renunciation and moved away from his past life of promiscuity and unsafe sexual practices.  I do not remember the entire story, but what I remember is that later in his life he engaged in sexual activity with another person.  During this sexual encounter, he contracted HIV that developed in full-blown AIDS.  This man died because of the AIDS virus.

There are no promises that we are protected from pain and suffering.  There are no promises that love is waiting for us and that our future holds satisfaction.  In fact, it can hold so much pain and suffering, emptiness.  Knowing this, doubt can creep in.  Doubt for me, in this situation, is a feeling of fear in the path, the process.  I feel a pain, emptiness, an aching sensation in my heart in this moment, as I think these things.

There is a longing to have happiness, this longing is an old familiar pattern.  Something learned from childhood movies of the princess getting the prince.  My karmic propensities and usual thought patterns revolve around love and partnership.  Even now, a person in my life who I have some attraction to is not fully attracted to me.  Mostly, I am okay with this discomfort and lack of mutual connection.  I can reason and be logical about the situation, but even so, a piece of my human heart has a longing for connection.  My habitual response, that I am seeing brought over from my previous relationship, is trying to magnetize and do kind things for this person to draw them.  A fundamental doubt that I will find love creeps in and I feel sadness and disappointment.

Yes, there is a silver lining or something like an underlying current that runs beneath the surface where I do not doubt.  Thanks to the great teacher Chogyam Trungpa Rinpoches, I am learning to release doubt and believe in the basic goodness, buddha nature, of myself and all beings.  When I remember this, no matter what happens, I trust that it will all be okay, granted that my view remains as high as the sky and I do not limit myself by my egotistical needs.

In Smile at Fear: Awakening the True Heart of Bravery, Trungpa Rinpoches devotes a chapter to Overcoming Doubt.  The doubt he speaks of is a fundamental doubt in our own goodness.  I don't doubt my own goodness, but on this particular day, I am feeling the empty space of not having the love of a partner.  I am also feeling my wanting of having that.  I am seeing that life isn't dreamy that we don't get partnership.  I have a fear, which ties into doubting, that I will feel sad and suffer because I lack this kind of love and that I will never get it.

In this last year of my life, how does it feel to think that it might not happen?  Well, if I am genuine with my feelings right now, I feel sadness about it.  I don't feel good about it, and I don't want to die that way.  I don't think this view is fixed, but it sure aches and hurst at this moment.  So, I attempt to be with the sadness of the empty feeling.  I listen to music and I knit...to nurture myself mindfully through this experience.  Perhaps with each knit and pearl, I offer love to others who are in need.  I am not alone in this feeling sadness at the lack of someone loving me.  I guess I have so much sweetness to give that I'd like to have it in return.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sO2o98Zpzg8

During this place of feeling the sadness and softness of the human heart, I received an email from a dear friend, Gina Ryan, that contained the link above.  It's a song about gratefulness...impeccable timing and a little ray of sunlight brightened my heart.  Thanks for the love, Gina!

The Heart Dies a Slow Death

love |ləv|

noun

1 an intense feeling of deep affection : babies fill parents with intense feelings of love | their love for their country.

• a deep romantic or sexual attachment to someone : it was love at first sight | they were both in love with her | we were slowly falling in love.

• ( Love) a personified figure of love, often represented as Cupid.

• a great interest and pleasure in something : his love for football | we share a love of music.

verb [ trans. ]

feel a deep romantic or sexual attachment to (someone) : do you love me?

• like very much; find pleasure in : I'd love a cup of tea, thanks | I just love dancing | [as adj., in combination ] ( -loving) a fun-loving girl.

"Once you see what the heart really needs, it doesn't matter if you're going to live or die, the work is always the same." - Noah Levine

You cannot ask the sun, "please, shine more." You cannot ask the rain, "please, rain less."  There are things we cannot control. Neither the current of love, nor death, is altered by our longing for it to be something other than it is.  The bittersweet yearning of the heart holds a tenderness that is found in the hearts of all who have known love.  Love heals all, love is a core essence of being human.  Can one not agree that death is the same?  Death, the great teacher, is the healer of pain and suffering.  Given the gift of life, we are given a solemn promise that death will follow.

Love begins in the dark roots of the cherry tree and spreads up to the tips of the branches bursting out in the delicate, pink blossoms of the spring.  Love also is the the dying blossom that wilts and drops to the earth, along with the leaves that crinkle and turn brown following their own journey of decay.  This decomposing love feeds the earth and creates fodder for the next cycle of love, of spring, of new blossoms of life.  Death and love are close companions.  They walk side by side at night holding each others hands, and as the sun rises, death slips back into the shadows to wait patiently for love to find it again.  Death is your constant friend that is always with you waiting patiently for its moment to join you and complete your cycle of being.  Death wraps you in its cool, slender fingers, its icy embrace.

If you cannot not bypass these unavoidable realities of existence, how does one live with them?  Apparently, I romanticize both love and death.  Do I do this to all of life?  If so, what implications does it have?  Most recently, I notice my mind stream dropping into my heart.  Events in my life right now are awakening energies that I have not felt in some time regarding matters of love, intimacy, and care for another.  These things are being viewed through the lens of an observer rather than purely being swept away by the thoughts and emotions.  I feel it just as much as ever, but it has less attachment and grasping...more curiosity of how it will all unfold.  Not a curiosity of how the connection with the other person will unfold, but how my habitual patterns will unfold in how I relate to the situations that arise.

I am curious, does the emotional heart stop loving and feeling at the time of death?  Or does that energy carry over?  Have I carried this mind stream and style of loving life for the entirety of my lifetimes?  A person has commented recently that I have a beautiful mind, and for once, I am beginning to believe it.  Perhaps, this is the native state.  Perhaps, all beings have a native state of mind filled with beauty.

If our hearts are ready for anything, we are free to be ourselves. There’s room for the wildness of our animal selves, for passion and play. There’s room for our human selves, for intimacy and understanding, creativity and productivity. There’s room for spirit, for the light of awareness to suffuse our moments. The Tibetans describe this confidence to be who we are as “the lion’s roar.”
~ Tara Brach

Judgment

judgment |ˈjəjmənt| (also judgement)

noun

1 the ability to make considered decisions or come to sensible conclusions : an error of judgment | that is not, in my judgment, the end of the matter.

• an opinion or conclusion : they make subjective judgments about children's skills.

• a decision of a court or judge.

• a monetary or other obligation awarded by a court : a lower court decision upholding the $100,000 judgment.

• the document recording this obligation.

• short for Last Judgment .

2 a misfortune or calamity viewed as a divine punishment : the crash had been a judgment on the parents for wickedness.

This seems to be the theme for today...judgment on what the next best step will be.  Truly, as a human being, it seems that a species we are continually thinking of what is next.  What is the best move.  What should I do.  What is that?!?!?  Samsara is what I think it most likely is.
That process is exhausting, but the reality is that we do need to think about how we are going to move forward.  Maybe that's why some people stay put and they stop seeking the "more" of life.

Death is the final "what's next?"  So does anything else that happens in the middle matter?  Is it all just fluff?  

Winter Solstice and Dying

dying |ˈdī-i ng |

adjective [ attrib. ]

on the point of death : he visited his dying mother.

• occurring at or connected with the time that someone dies : he strained to catch her dying words.

• gradually ceasing to exist or function; in decline and about to disappear : stone-cutting is a dying art | : the dying embers of the fire.

Winter Solstice is upon us, and I have made my commitment to this A Year to Live practice with the lighting of a candle at our Lhasang Ceremony.  We have reached the point where the light, the life and sun, are coming back.  Of course, it will take some time before the days grow longer and the nights shorter. One might think that choosing to do a practice of dying would be more fitting to begin on the summer solstice, a time of turning towards the darkness.  This exercise of contemplating my upcoming death in one year and the affect that is has on my experience is actually bringing more "living" into my being.

Yesterday, I had the opportunity to snowshoe up to Gampo Lhatse.  What a breathtaking experience to be in the snow and to rest my ears in the silence.  In the distance, the only sound was the lull of ocean waves that usually are inaudible because of wind and other sounds of the earth at this altitude on the mountain.  Snow drifts were taller than my head, and the trail had been transformed into something completely different.  Yet, the essence of it, the familiarity of my companion Quan Yin trail remained the same.  What a joy to traverse the path in a fresh way and meander through the trees.

When I approached Quan Yin, she was buried in the snow with only her head, shoulders, and hand holding a mala sticking out.  Surprisingly, the wooden bench that her admirers can sit on was uncovered and easily accessed for meditation.  I took my seat.  While sitting there,  my well-known feeling of fear arose.  Mostly this fear is attributed to a lurking sensation of not being alone, of sharing a the forest space with another creature such as a coyote or moose.  There is always a feeling of having something with me.  Is this only a projection of my mind?  Or do I really sense something?  Either way, there is an opportunity to work with staying with fear, as Ani Pema speaks of.  Fear of death, fear of pain, fear of a wild animal tearing off my limbs or gnawing at some part of my body.

This fear that I experience is completely consuming, and I notice a change in my mind and my being.  So, on this day, I chose to sit and stay with this.  By keeping my body still, I allowed the sensations of the emotions to come and go.  The fear came in, subsided, and then returned to once again pass away.  During the moments of intense sensation, I connected with my breath and the pain in my heart center and stomach.  It was clear in this visceral experience that I did not want to run.  Something in me was strong.  I asked myself if I was too afraid to die in this moment and if I would want to run and leave.  The inner response was a strong no.  I understand now that I am not afraid and even when I doubt myself, my existence, I know I have had a rich life.

This felt like an opportunity to play.  To play with death, to welcome it in.  No particular answers came or enlightening thoughts, other than a simple awareness of what the mind does in times of fear.  The nature of mine is to speed up, to be rapid and vibrate with electricity.  I could feel my adrenals working and my nervous system stepping into the fight or flight mode.   Deep belly breathing was my friend at this time.  After the fear shifted, and it did shift, I felt a strength.  A confidence in my ability.  I stayed with the fear.

Ahead of me, I saw tracks in the snow made by another traveler, perhaps Tsondru or Datso.  The tracks went deeper into the forest, and I questioned if I should carry on.  Thoughts of this being my last year to live, I had no hesitation to take myself on the adventure.  Off I went into the snow and further into the forest.  My fear stayed with me slightly, but I moved onward regardless of this.

Death inspires the soul to do more, or at least it can if you choose that.  If I think I am dying, I don't want to waste a minute and I don't want to pass up on an adventure.  Mostly, I enjoy these adventures on my own, but there is a longing for a companion to cuddle with.  Someone to share space with and be close with.  In this journey to dying, I think that relationship with myself and the longing to have another is something that will be explored in future posts.  Mostly, this aloneness is becoming my companion.  In this aloneness, when I think of my friend death, I choose to write.  I choose to live.  Even if it's lying here in bed, resting, listening to music, and typing away into the computer.  I had a conversation with a woman today in the dining room, and I shared that I've been enjoying the feeling of staying with sensation, with discomfort, with desire, with all of it.  Perhaps, there's truly something there...staying with the sensations is the fun of it.  There is no need to step into things or at least it's okay to not to...there is enough to be conscious of without doing anything.